Oct 3, 2015

Few days before we broke up she had a doctors appointment re: anxiety she's had for a year plus. I even had to call and book the s--- for her because she was too nervous to do it herself. I stayed in the waiting room of course but when she came out she had a prescription for Ativan, a blood work paper, and was supposed to rebook after her results came back. Her doctor had plans to put her on a daily anti depressant (SSRI). In the end she chose to say "f--- it" to all of that and isn't willing to get any treatment. She "wasn't ready" (meaning, her mental health problems made her extremely uncomfortable/nervous/apprehensive about getting help). Few days later she breaks it off. It was getting to the point where she was always feeling depressive in her down time, and I think it became so bad that not even I could make her feel better anymore. So she started going to parties. Not that she hadn't before, she has, but it was usually infrequent. I'm starting to think that she can only let loose and feel happy when she's getting drunk at parties with a bunch of high school kids. She's in a pretty fragile state of mental health to be frequenting substance use (alcohol, weed. not sure if she's getting into anything else) to feel something. It's hard not to feel responsible. She's from a good home with a stable and healthy family. I went through something similar years ago and would've killed someone to have a stable support system like she is capable of having, but she's stuck in the denial/embarrassment phase of her anxiety s---.

It's a tough situation to standby and watch b. I've been thinking about her state of mind more so than my own since the break up.