Mar 3, 2026 at 7:58 AM

Thought about some more. Went through everything, how I felt, what she did, the clear patterns, etc.
Talked to some friends who want nothing but the best for me.

Told her she needs to accept its over and not contact me or come see me. She hasnt responded.
We'll see if thats the end.

Its a horrible pain for me and her. I remember the good times and it was wonderful. But I also have to think about what I am becoming if I go back for not being able to endure pain. Its weakness. I would be proclaiming "my boundaries are nothing if you cry after you break them. It would mean she would start over pushing those boundaries. It would mean my understanding of myself is damaged. My self esteem would deteriorate and I would be known and know myself as a man who is weak and cannot endure for long term benefit.

I drew inspiration from two examples the most.
First is Jesus. Not in theological sense, but in the sense of being a man who underwent pain and suffering for greater good. Someone not indulging in quick solutions but understands what is the integrity of a man.

The other is my father. He is example of who I do not want to be. A weak man indulging in quick solutions. An alcoholic who is incapable of any feat of mental strength. Who cannot endure slightest discomfort without losing temper and resorting to the glass.

This might be the hardest thing I have to do. See past relief I would get by getting back together and see this as a break in toxic cycles I would be subscribing myself to. Each new one would erode me further.

 

Mar 3, 2026 at 9:14 AM

This sounds so insightful and wise. You sound so healthy, Spatch. Your examples are excellent, and your experience with your dad adds a lot of powerful context. I’m really glad for you, you’ve come a long way with something brutally painful.

I hope she will respect your boundaries. And if she doesn’t, I hope you will. I hope too that you can be gentle with yourself if it’s hard, or if you bend on a bad day. Weakness is maybe one of our greatest teachers, like failure. How would we get stronger, or even know where to work on our strength, without knowing when and how that strength fails?

No human heart is made of steel. Maybe you will hold fast, but if you don’t hold as fast as you’d like, don’t stop trying. Right? Get back on the horse. Try some more. Endurance isn’t one decision. It’s thousands and thousands of them over time, and not all identical, to move in the direction you want. It’s the lion’s share of those decisions and movements that matter. And to my eyes from what you've told us here, that seems to be exactly the pattern you’ve already demonstrated in this so far.

You sound like you're in a good place. Thank you for discussing this stuff. I was just wondering about how things were going the other day and hoping you’d update us.

 

Mar 3, 2026 at 10:58 AM

Thank you @1929357390
Your genuine care and interest in my story here helped me a lot too. I would think about your words and support often. I though my first post would just be some venting to generally disinterested group that will read it and go about their day. I am grateful for you following me through this.

 

Mar 3, 2026 at 11:22 AM

I’m sincerely glad to hear that. What you’re going through is hard on every level, no matter what option you follow, and I understand the struggle first-hand from the other side. I believe your actions are loving ones, to yourself and your girl, more so because “loving” doesn’t always mean easy. Enabling someone’s self-destruction would often be easiest. It’s self-sacrificing not to do that with someone you really love (this is why I think your example of Jesus is so excellent) because it hurts… but like you say, it’s really for the best of everyone. Her too.

Here if you ever feel like talking more, thread or dm’s or whatever.

And you’re very welcome.