Jan 31, 2016

I'm desperate for advice on my situation, which is long but I hope some of you guys might be willing to read and give thoughts:

I'm a junior in college and I've now been friends with this one girl for a bit longer than a year and a half. When we met at the beginning of sophomore year, our personalities seemed to click immediately. Buuut she had a long-distance boyfriend that she had been dating since the end of her senior year of high school. I, and practically all of our mutual friends, thought it was incredible how dedicated she was to the relationship given that the majority of it had been long distance. But dedicated she remained, and we became really good friends.

I can even say that, even though I liked her at first, after a month or two of being friends I had basically given up anything romantic and was pursuing my own relationships. We were essentially best friends for most of sophomore year (as in, I'm confident we spent more time with each other than any other friends) and when we both stayed in the same town to work over the summer we stayed close. Then, at the end of the summer, she finally broke up with her boyfriend. I didn't know how to feel. I cared a lot about the friendship, and I didn't want to seem like I was just waiting for her to break up so that I could swoop in.

But then something interesting happened. We sort of drifted in the first semester of this year. We remained friends, and there was no big conflict or anything, but basically she just began wanting to do more things that I'm not really into--by that I mean "going out," etc. It felt like she barely had enough free time to hang out with me anymore, which kind of hurt but I tried not to take it personally. She began hooking up with other guys because she was going out and I continued to be lonely because I don't really seek out "hook ups." I don't mean this to be disparaging of her actions--she's free to have sex with whomever she wants, but the fact that it came at the expense of our friendship was disheartening.

Now, I've gone abroad to Scotland for the semester and I can't stop thinking about her. Like all the time. We've been keeping up by text and she's told me that she's sorry for not hanging out more last semester and that she misses me more now that I'm actually physically unavailable to chill I guess. We're only going to have one more year together for sure once I get back, and I kind of want to ask her if she would be interested in dating. She's always expressed interest in guys LIKE me, but I think my chances of initiating anything romantic naturally got ruined by becoming friends with her while she was unavailable (ie the "friend zone"). In fact, we also once actually discussed hooking up while she was dating, but we decided against it so that the friendship wouldn't suffer. She did end up staying the night in my bed that night, though. I know we're both romantics at heart based on the countless times we've discussed our feelings on relationships.

If you've read the whole thing I must sincerely thank you and ask not only what you think I should do, but if the answer is to make some sort of advance towards a relationship, HOW I should approach it.

 

Jan 31, 2016

d--- it, okay. You guys have convinced me to do it. It's only 11 AM back home so I'll probably wait until later tonight to call her. Thanks a lot for helping talk me through this @theg @Mimi @Caslon @K9l. Seriously helpful and I appreciate it a lot. I'll post updates in the thread once we've talked.

 

Jan 31, 2016

1st Girls dont put u in the friendzone, u do it urself by not being physical/sexual

2nd When people end relationships they usually "have fun" and f--- other people. She didnt f--- u tho, because in ur virgin-mindset u thought it would conflict ur "friendship"

3rd Now ure all alone in Scotland, while she is home and gets pounded by the guys who dont give a f--- about her ex and about her situation

4th You seem to be the guy who desperately wants a relationship

5th That is so unattractive.

6th You cant have every chick. When she doesnt want to be ur girl, its fine. It only f---s ur mind, when u have no alternatives. Lay other chicks. Get distracted and have alternatives, that is so f---ing important

7th IM UR OG AND I WILL BE RESPECTED AS SUCH

 

Feb 1, 2016

Is it just him she doesn't want to be in a relationship with or doesnt want a relationship in general?

If you do go through with letting her know how you truly feel just make sure to push the fact that you dont want your feelings to get in between what you already share. You dont want her to feel weird but because you are good friends you want to be upfront and honest with her. Facetiming while telling her is probably for the best so you can see her reactions to the info you are giving her.

In a way it's kind of good she told you this, just so you can be a bit more prepared for the worst =(

 

Jan 31, 2016

just give up bro itll never happen

 

Feb 2, 2016

The scottish girl is a ditz and I weigh more than you can probably lift

 

Feb 2, 2016

I'm no expert but this sounds like a half-arsed attempt.

 

Jan 31, 2016

Pretty much. Like I said in my earlier post having a bit of history, and the fact you guys spoke about getting together before, might work in your favour. And if she says that she is missing you, maybe she wants to give it a chance now that she is single to have answers to any earlier 'what could have been' thoughts.

In my life I wouldn't do it. But I dont have a situation like yours so she could feel very different.
LDRs are all about communication. So start now, communicate with her, tell her whats up, because you will have to express every doubt and conflict that pops into your head during the time apart otherwise it gets too overwhelming and pointless to be doing anyway.

Just see where she is at, let her know you dont want to ruin the friendship and no pressure on her. She may be interested, she may not like the idea, she could want to wait until you are back. It can go so many ways but if you dont put it out there the chances of you being able to get in at all by the time you are back will be extremely slim.

 

Jan 31, 2016

OP's best interest is being a man and either getting in the relationship he wants or getting rejected and moving on

 

Jan 31, 2016

no one cares fa----

 

Jan 31, 2016

fr tho i just read that op and like, really you need to either just say something straight up or forget it completely. this "dropping hints" nonsense is for sissies. dont pussyfoot around just straight up call or text her (obv better to do it in person but that options not available) and tell her your thoughts. you're not gonna get anywhere hinting. if you want a relationship with her you gotta realize that that ends the friendship one way or the other. if you're cool with that then go ahead and go all in, and if you're not willing to risk that then fall back and live with it pretty much.
you're at a disadvantage though if shes been out doing hookups and f---ing on the regular after getting out of a long distance relationship, she'll probably be hesitant to enter another one right away. i dont really like, subscribe to the whole "love" and "fate" thing, but i guess if she feels the same way about you and its meant to be she'll wait

 

Jan 31, 2016

1st I never said she "put" me in the friend zone. I got there because she was in a serious relationship when we met and became friends. And I'll admit I wasn't "physical/sexual" after they finally broke up because I didn't think she would look on me swooping in right after she breaks up in a good light. it would make me look fake and like I'm taking advantage.

2nd We had both decided not to f--- despite our mutual attraction while she was still dating because we knew that she would feel guilty (again, because she was in a serious relationship). "Virgin mindset" whatever man. A good friend of mine died at the end of the summer and I fell into a pretty bad depression. That combined with the fact that she started "having fun" as you put it, which isn't really my thing, caused us to stop hanging out as frequently last semester. We didn't really have a chance to re-explore the idea of hooking up or dating that semester.

3rd Once again I honestly don't care how hard or by whom she is getting "pounded." It doesn't make me jealous because I know she has a habit of hooking up with guys that she doesn't really like with no intentions of going any further than sex. Her ex-boyfriend was nothing like the guys she hooks up with, because there's a difference in what she seeks in a hook-up partner and a romantic partner. As long as she isn't getting pounded by a guy that she has feelings for, then I don't give a f---.

4th Sure, I want a relationship. I wouldn't say "desperately." And I know she wants one too. We literally just talked about it the other day. I tried to "drop hints" like @Michael Scott advised.

5th What is so unattractive?

6th I don't want every chick, dude. And like I said, I have pursued other relationships since we've been friends. It's really only been since she broke up with her boyfriend (when I also became depressed and didn't really hang out with anyone for 5 months) that I've even considered the entire prospect of being with her again. And since I've been in Scotland and thinking about her a lot, that has made it feel like I should do something about it.

7th

 

Feb 2, 2016

Nah it isn't. The fact is my girl for a year now used to be my best friend and once called me her Bro. I was the guy she always told everything to, she knew I liked her and still told me about her new bf, dates eg. All I have to offer is, stick in there, stay her friend and always be there for her. Hopefully she will see sense and realise how much of a blessing you are. That's Al I did and it worked for me.

Edit : I would tell her you like her but would suggest face to face rather than text

 

Feb 1, 2016

Bro, do yourself a favor and just tell her, preferably over Skype. This back and forth with the fretting and the wondering is only going to make things harder on you as the days go by. Ask her and see what's up. Be comfortable with yourself and know that even if you get rejected, it doesn't mean anything other than at that time she doesn't have romantic feelings for you. Now feelings can get tricky and make it muddy for you, but that's why you have to be a bit brave here. After you ask you can deal with the consequences.

Remember, statistically speaking you're not even in the prime of your life yet. Whatever romantic pain you may face will go away and there will be other people to meet and have good relationships with. Just don't be afraid of those moments or else you'll be stuck worrying too much and asking a bunch of strangers in a hip-hop centered forum what you should be doing.

 

Feb 1, 2016

nice try but I never really started

 

Feb 1, 2016

Stop listening to Eminem if you do that'll help

 

Feb 1, 2016

Chalk the s--- up as a loss and move on.

 

Feb 1, 2016

theres always the chance for rejection lol, u just gotta man up and get it over with. just make sure to tell her that u dont wanna ruin what u have w her rn and u two will be able to stay friends most likely even if she says no.

 

Jan 31, 2016

This is silly.
Waiting means she will find someone else and will move on giving him absolutely no chance.




And I'd recommend skype calling. To talk face to face in some sense makes things a lot easier