Feb 14, 2016

Who cares?

Why do you care? About those memories? About fitting in?

You don't need to be accepted by a group of people to be a valuable person. This is a problem men have now that they have more than ever, getting caught up in their own bs. Go work out. Go make something. Clean up. Write some lyrics, record some music, do something. Take that feeling of sadness, turn it to drive, anger, and do something. Idle hands are always up to no good. You've won the lottery. You're a male in a first world country. You can do so much but you'd rather sit there and feel bad about yourself. Again, why?

I had to get things out of my system. I did drugs and partied for a few years. Now, I focus on my work to keep me sane. Men need hobbies. It occupies the mind.

Drop me a PM any time if you want some honest advice. Take care of yourself.

 

Feb 14, 2016

@Chad Warden You sir, make the most sense. I just needed to vent about this because I can't stop caring. I'm hoping the help will stop me to care about this.

Thanks.

 

Feb 14, 2016

I use my real name in my creative projects, but I'm not going to be using it here for search engine purposes. My name is Taylor; I was once a computer geek with a heavy involvement in IRC chatrooms... I have no self-control, impulse responses, habits and f---ing obsession and a tendency to be annoying. Oh and I have disturbing thoughts I don't want to reveal for risk of breaking the sites rules.

Anyways, I became a true rapper like 3 months ago due to complications involving my changing beliefs and I did things that I regret. I know I'm not supposed to regret it but... lack of self-control and all... Anyways, despite my rap career going well, I feel unwanted and rejected in life; not here but in the geek community. This was the thing I was focused on my entire life, the only thing I had before rap entered my life. I know people told me that I didn't really fit in with the geeks but the memories of 3 years and 5 months still exist and I can't seem to forget them. The good times, the sudden betrayal, the anger I felt... God I feel worthless.

I'm seeking professional help but I feel like it might of been too late, there are no people who can take me back and no people who can see me as the one I was before. I don't act on urges because a website tells me too, I act on urges because I feel dejected, dejected enough to think like I don't belong in anything anymore.

I had a talk with a few people and I've come to the realization that my work is too violent and not substantial enough. All I know is the fake life I've been living and the repressed memories I can't even remember; I don't know why I have these disturbing thoughts, all I know is that I have them and I can't get rid of them...

I want this to end... I don't want to be seen as this pariah, I want to be seen as someone who can do good, who can change things around. I lost everything and I don't want to lose everything again. I'm running out of options on the internet... If I'm rejected everywhere I go then I don't know what to do... Weed doesn't help, Abilify doesn't help, listening to depressing music doesn't help so what can help me?

If my past is going to catch up with me then what's the point of living anyway, all I do is get myself into trouble.

Anyways, thanks for reading if you got this far. tl;dr my life is f----- and I don't know what to do about it.

Suggestions below. I really want this to go away.

P.S. to the IRC troll in my life; there's like thousands of other people with the same condition I have, why do you pick me; why do you think I'm "special" enough? You think I'm somehow trollable because I'm more suspectable. I'm emotional, I'm a black woman inside a white man's body... I just don't understand the world...